Bina Page 15
And I see now she’s probably letting me know from wherever it is she has landed up in the next life that the curtain cribber was the Mole.
Once Phil said casually
You have Eddie.
I nearly exploded.
I’m only codding you, she smiled.
I know he’s nothing but a trial. I’d rather be on trial for his murder, I said
Oh you would, she agreed. I’d join in.
Now I am on trial for the one I didn’t do
Instead of him
The only one I should have done.
One of the things the families sometimes say is they wish they’d known.
That is the only time I am stuck.
They’ll say they wish they knew more.
What more is there to know if your loved one wants to be gone and doesn’t want to tell you?
I thought that until I discovered Phil was wrong.
I wanted very badly for a note or a letter.
A letter that told me why she went ahead and changed the plan.
I was angry with her for changing the plan
I had the right plan
Her revised plan was the wrong one.
And I really wished she hadn’t used that red baling twine to make it all look different.
It only created even more suspicion.
They searched the place here high and low trying to find a match for it. Of course they found none because it was Phil who was wrong, not me.
But the searching threw up things that made them awful excited, and when people are excited they start digging, and that’s a state of affairs you should always avoid.
Even if they find nothing.
Nothing can become something.
Think about that
Ever seen them stop a man in the street or a woman in the shop?
As soon as they say Stop
It is automatically something
It’s automatically everyone looking
Everyone knowing it’s something
Automatically everyone asking, everyone knowing what is the something.
And the man or woman who doesn’t know will always reply with something
And the something is speculating.
And speculating isn’t a good thing
I seen that.
Did you ever see a man on a bike clicking his fingers like he is singing a song in his head?
Well, never doubt he’s not singing a song.
Because whether he is singing a song or not
Look long enough and he’ll start singing one for you.
If they are looking
They’ll find something.
If they are looking and they want to find something
They’ll find a way that something is found.
There are ways and means. It’s the way of the determined.
Can you fault them?
I can
But can you?
If they’d asked Bina what she did
She might have told them
Except they didn’t ask
They assumed.
Looked only to back up the assumptions.
She wasn’t unaccustomed
She knew there wasn’t much point in fighting assumption.
She had seen where resistance/that insistence had gotten her.
Phil was wrong.
She didn’t want to implicate me, but she wouldn’t let me help her.
Now Eddie is gone
I can finally focus on Phil
And why she was wrong.
Here and Now.
Phil wasn’t always wrong. You see, the thing you need to know is I’ve known Phil a long time. I don’t like what they are saying about her now she’s gone. She knew what she wanted and they’re all missing that. They don’t know what she wanted because they never asked her. I hope they’ll ask me in the court. I hope they call me Mrs. and ask me what Phil wanted. I’ll tell them. But they don’t listen to women in the courts. We know that.
Phil and I had our deaths and our disagreements. We had our tears. We had our phone calls and we ate a lot of pie over many years. I like to look at a pie. I like to admire a pie. Phil liked to eat it. And that may be why she got the diabetes. She said it was very unfair she got the diabetes and I cannot disagree with her there. Diabetes is very unfair.
Once we had a very strong disagreement, but I am not going to tell you about it because it’s not fair to tell about disagreements with friends once they are dead. You keep those things close. You don’t blab about them. We both cried, and I was surprised at that. That two women can make each other cry that way. Phil said it was nothing but a misunderstanding and we were over it now. We ate a basket of chips with ketchup in a pub to recover. We’ll have a cup of coffee,*17 Phil said. We’re over it. Me, I kept on crying. Bina, she said, you’re always crying. To be honest, it hurt my feelings and I never cried much since. Never cried official-like.
And if it’s over for me with the court case, I will not cry. I won’t cry because Phil wouldn’t like that. It’s embarrassing when old women cry, she’d say. We weren’t old women when we cried though. She only said that since we became old women.
How much Phil knew
Bina doesn’t know
What she knew
If she knew
But now Bina can see what families mean when they say they wished they’d known more, or that they wish there was more to know.
One thing about families though
Sometimes they don’t want to know.
They say they do.
You tell them
And they lose the brain on you
Call you bad words.
Evil deeds.
That’s what happened when I told
Phil’s daughters the truth
About their mam.
Our mam, they’d say
All possessive-like.
Your mam, I’d think, yes.
But my friend.
My good friend Phil was wrong.
How much did Phil know?
I don’t know
What she knew
If she knew.
Or how she could have known.
But enough was said, the way these things are said and don’t need explaining between friends.
Unlike the way things have to be spelled out for families.
The difference between friends and family.
I can know Phil was wrong and I don’t have to prove she wasn’t.
I can know Phil was right and I don’t have to prove she was.
I can just know Phil
For who Phil was.
Wrong or right
Or both
And the bits between
Until she’s dead.
And then I go the bizarre way of the family up in my head, wanting to know who and how and did and what and why and if and wrong, wrong, wrong.
I wish I had known what Phil knew. And when exactly she knew it.
The problem is the daughters.
They don’t think Phil was wrong
They think I am wrong about Phil being wrong.
I am wrong about many things.
Many, many things.
But I’m not wrong about Phil.
They think I killed her.
I never killed her
Not at all.
Sure how could I kill her if I was on my way over there to tell her, you’re wrong Phil, you’re wrong.
Don’t open the bag with the glass in it.
Just stay there in your chair til I put the kettle on for the pair of us.
It was the final cups of tea with Tomás that had me convinced of the power of the pot. That every person could make the right decision if only the cup was properly brewed, and until the cup of tea was brewed proper they wouldn’t be as clear as a person should be if they have a decision to make.
That was a warning.
If you are not clear
Or if the cup doesn’t taste quite right
<
br /> Don’t make any decision until it does.
Sometimes the taste may be the right one, but you’re still not clear.
Very good. Empty the cup. Lie down and wait. Be still, stop thinking, and your decision will be made only when it’s ready to be made.
How can Bina be so sure Phil was wrong?
Well, that was the one good thing about Eddie
Any woman ever exposed to him will have the correct barometer of when enough is enough.
We have asked Bina about this.
We asked her the question.
How, Bina, did you know Eddie had to go?
Go on and ask me that question:
How, Bina, did you know when you’d had enough?
And that Eddie had to go.
I knew because I felt more sick than usual in my own house that week, and I did not like the man who came looking for Eddie that time.
I had suspected Eddie could do me in
I had not suspected Eddie would be happy to have me kidnapped by international criminals and money men over a bag of pills.
There’s been an awful lot of confusion about the pills.
They were Eddie’s pills.
Not my pills.
Eddie said I made it all up.
That no man visited me
That there was no bag of pills.
You’re making that up to get rid of me.
But I’d enough reason to get rid of him
Before that creep paid his visit.
Looking for Eddie.
Is he here?
Head in the door scanning about.
He’s not.
When will he be back?
I’ve no clue.
Head looking around, scanning the place.
If you want to kill him, I said
That’d be grand.
He didn’t like that suggestion.
He seemed angry.
I’m only joking, I said. There’s no useful meat on him anyway, only whale blubber.
For weeks I watched the post. I was convinced Phil would have sent me a postcard to say goodbye. I even imagined what kind of a postcard. But the postcard never came. Only the Guards came. Again and again, with more questions. Persistent questions. Eddie didn’t help.
Eddie wasn’t helpful.
The Guards are here again!
He enjoyed it.
Offered to make them tea.
Come in lads, you’re very welcome.
He was clearing me out
You see.
That had become his plan
And here were the men to help him deliver it.
They asked Eddie if they could search the cupboards.
They asked Eddie if they could search the cupboards without a warrant.
Work away, Eddie said, acting like he owned the place.
You’ll do no such thing, I protested, without a warrant.
What are you hiding in them, Eddie laughed boldly.
The Tall Man warned me that if they came and searched, they needed a warrant. I don’t know how he knew this. Had he been searched? I didn’t know this until he told me. I am warning you: If they come and search they need a warrant.
The Tall Man gave me a paper that told me certain things. Because I never throw anything away I can be near certain the paper is in a cupboard.
We can get a warrant, the Guard said
We can get a warrant if we want to.
Good, I said.
Come back when you have one.
They said they didn’t need any warrant to ask me questions.
I answered each question with no comment.
Til the questions stopped.
Every question I didn’t answer
Eddie supplied information.
I forget the information.
In fairness to the Guards, they did say firmly
It was me they were interviewing and if they had questions for him they’d address him.
Eddie didn’t like that.
I knew he’d punish me for it.
It wasn’t the first time they came looking for me.
They came after Tomás
But I was ready.
I had listened to the Tall Man carefully.
That one was no problem.
Tomás was dead and he had, I would later come to conclude, sent the Tall Man to me.
With Tomás
The questions were simple.
You delivered him Meals on Wheels. Was there anything unusual? Out of place? Did he seem different?
I knew very little about the man. He seemed weaker and I know the Home Help was aware of his condition. Maybe you should ask her? I went in and said a few hellos and I collected 5 euros and was on my way because he was not the last on my list.
I have to do a big loop you know, I said. There were people waiting on me and their food would be cold if I dallied.
Was the fire on or off?
I have no recollection of the fire, I said. I put down the food tray and I barely had time to say much to him.
And could I provide an alibi for where I was at this time?
Indeed I can. I was with Phil. You can go over and ask her.
Had you any specific reason for visiting her?
Yes, I said. I did. She’s my friend.
I let a pause pass between did and friend. The Tall Man had taught me the power in a pause. They’ll follow the pause to nowhere, he said. If you act suspicious they’ll follow that. Give them a lot of empty pointless pauses to nowhere, and if you are lost just remember that first question I ask everyone.
Again, they asked this question when they came about Phil.
Again, I answered the same way.
She was my friend, I said. There wasn’t a day I wouldn’t be in touch with that woman. Check your records.
They got the warrant alright.
But I found the paper.
I burnt it.
I burned many papers.
Eddie probably told them.
Arrested under the suspicion of assisting something or other (and attempting to interfere with a corpse).
What? I said.
Don’t be ridiculous.
I went to visit a woman for a cup of tea. I did not go over there to interfere with a corpse. She was a woman the last time I visited her.
And when was that?
The day before, I said. The way I visited or spoke with her every day. She had eyelids that were flapping up and down. She was in good spirits. She was Phil, I said. She was no corpse.
I was very upset when they asked me the trick questions. The Tall Man had warned me, they ask you the trick questions to get you emotional. Then they stare at your eyeballs and look for clues. Don’t blink! He was emphatic. Do not look left. Ever. Or they’ll know you are lying. I was puzzled. Why would looking left mean you are lying? He admitted he’d learned this from reading an interview with a passport-control officer in the newspaper and had no idea exactly why it meant that, but do not look left, ever. I imagine a lot of people get run over from following that part of his advice.
Phil, of course, had not burned her papers.
Because Phil hadn’t been trained by the Tall Man.
Phil, in contrast and all foolishness, had written out a series of instructions on the kitchen table. She had written a bogus letter to me telling me she was going to be away for a while & thanking me for the lend of the glass.
She rang the alarm bell of suspicion without me even trying.
I did wonder
Why
Why she did this?
We are waiting for the Coroner’s report.
We’ll see what’s in the report
And the toxicology tests.
They take a lifetime.
You could be resurrected before they figure out what killed you.
After I left Tomás
I went to Phil’s house
I’d never done that before
I’ve never had to do it since.
The Tal
l Man had warned me not to do that.
I didn’t listen
Because sometimes I don’t listen.
I didn’t listen to the Tall Man.
I was too upset about Tomás.
That’s not unreasonable.
Is it?
Show me the woman who is not upset by suffering?
And I’ll accept I am unreasonable.
I think you have the glass.
What glass?
The glass.
Oh, the Glass.
Yes.
There’s only one glass.
Well, we need to keep the Glass circulating
The Glass must not remain.
Oh, that’s right
Not remain.
Is there anything else?
No
Just the Glass.
OK
Just the Glass so.
The Glass was one of the troubles. I had moved the Glass to Phil’s by accident. The Glass was wrapped in a plastic bag. A Spar bag. Inside the bag were a pair of latex gloves that the wearer put on before taking the Glass out of the bag. Once on, the Glass could be removed. I need to recall how the Glass ended up at Phil’s. I think I had left it in the car. And the Tall Man taught me to be very, very careful about leaving things in cars.
In Ireland they’d steal a person out of the front seat of a car, but where he lived there was less trouble with thieving. He warned me hard. Never leave ANYTHING in the car. The car is how they catch you.
Repeat
Never leave anything in the car.
Don’t blink. Look left. Or leave anything in a car.
The hymn-structions were mounting.
He trained me so carefully. He might have over-trained me. I was visiting Phil, and took the bag into her house and left it on her table when I sat down. She had me come into the living room and we were absorbed in something, I don’t recall what.